How to Make New Friends After 30
8 Steps Even an Introvert Can Use
Whether you’ve moved to a new town, gotten a new job, or grown apart from friends you’ve had forever, the art of making friends as an adult over the age of 30 is a whole different ballgame than the easy friend-making days of high school and college.
It can be lonely to look around when it seems like everyone already has their “group,” and the thought of breaking in is exhausting, overwhelming and paralyzing.
When you feel isolated, it’s easy to get stuck and fall into the trap of believing that you’ll be alone forever, or that you have some internal defect that prevents you from ever finding fulfilling friendships.
And social media compounds the issue by screaming from the screen that everyone but you has fun friends and amazing weekend plans.
However, you can find comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. A recent study by health insurer Cigna found that nearly half of all Americans feel lonely, so there are others out there looking for friendship too.
Instead of dodging the “what are you doing this weekend” question or settling for a party of one despite twinges that you’re missing out on a key part of life, start to focus on the benefits you’ll gain by taking action and trying some new friend making strategies.
The father of positive psychology, Dr. Martin Seligman, lists good relationships as one of the five key components to human flourishing in his PERMA model of well-being. A little effort now could be worth a lifetime of increased health and happiness.
Even though it sometimes seems so, making friends isn’t impossible, and with practice, you can ignite new friendships if you’re willing to try some new approaches. Here are eight that have helped me as I’ve gotten older:
- Change Your Friend-Making Mindset
All good things come with effort and making friends is no different. If you’re feeling lonely, your default mindset probably starts with “I don’t fit in anywhere” and ends with “This isn’t worth it.” Challenge those thoughts and see friend making as a new adventure.
Set your expectations low and begin to explore opportunities that could lead to meeting new people while also giving yourself permission to fail miserably. The key is to keep trying and program your mind with thoughts like, “I may not fit in here. That’s ok, but I’ll keep trying until I find someplace I feel more comfortable.” Challenge your negative thoughts when they come up and give yourself credit for trying.
You also have to give yourself a chance to feel comfortable. So don’t give up on an opportunity too quickly.
2. Participate in Something that Meets Weekly
Any activities that meet weekly are fertile soil for connecting with others and building relationships through repetition. Weekly activities provide structure and familiarity.
I attended a networking group that met every Friday for over two years, and it provided new connections and a way to see the same people each week. In no time at all I felt like part of a mini-community of like-minded people.
Even when my goals changed and I left the group, I stayed connected to several friends that I made through that experience.
Think yoga or exercise classes, volunteering opportunity, neighborhood meet-ups, art classes, networking groups, church groups, etc, and make a commitment to attend consecutively for four weeks.
3. Say “Yes” and Seek Out New Places
When you’re down in the dumps of loneliness or if you’re naturally introverted, you can fool yourself into thinking that “one day” you’ll be the kind of person that can make friends.
You trick yourself into thinking that you’re not equipped as is. You decide you need to be funnier, thinner, smarter, more interesting or more of an extrovert. None of those things is true.
The only thing you have to be is willing to say yes.
One of the best books I’ve ever read on this subject is The Year of Yes by Emmy-winning television writer Shonda Rhimes. In it she chronicles her own inspiring journey of learning to step out of her comfort zone.
Shonda Rhimes says,
“Who you are today . . . that’s who you are. Be brave. Be amazing. Be worthy. And every single time you get the chance? Stand up in front of people. Let them see you. Speak. Be heard. Go ahead and have the dry mouth. Let your heart beat so, so fast. Watch everything move in slow motion. So what. You what? You pass out, you die, you poop? No. (And this is really the only lesson you’ll ever need to know.)”
She makes a great point that you can be nervous as ever and still step out and be ok. Discomfort often comes during periods of positive growth that lead to more aliveness and fulfillment.
Put your radar up for things you can say “yes” to. Force yourself to accept invites that you would normally turn down. Look for new places to go.
Fire yourself up before you attend with a favorite playlist or by reading something encouraging and positive. Remember to pay attention to your mindset and mental chatter (see tip #1) and control negative thoughts.
4. Find a Place to Be a Regular
Imagine walking into your favorite coffee shop or eatery and the staff addressing you by name. That kind of connection makes your day brighter and increases the chances of making friends. Cue the theme song to 90’s hit TV show, Cheers:
“Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name.
And they’re always glad you came.”
So how do you become a regular? Pick a place you need to frequent often and make an effort to connect with the staff.
One of the unusual places where this occurred for me was at the local FedEx copy center. I often have to make large amounts of copies for class materials for the small business that I own. As a regular patron, I met David, an employee who was always ready with a cheerful and helpful attitude. We always chatted when I came in and after many visits we ended up being friends. The connection to him kept me coming back to the store, and he even introduced me to another person who turned out to be a potential customer for my business.
If the first place you try doesn’t work out, keep searching. There are many gems of smaller, local establishments that have friendly people willing to connect. Sometimes they just need a signal from you that you’re open to it. Smiling, asking questions and being generally jovial are good places to start.
5. Do a Fill Your Calendar Challenge
In order to accomplish any goal you must overcome resistance. Resistance is that feeling that keeps you stuck making a thousand excuses and rationalizing your avoidance behavior instead of taking real and meaningful action to reach your goal.
Steven Pressfield, American author of works of fiction and the popular book for creatives, The War of Art, defines resistance as an impartial force of nature that keeps us from manifesting what we most desire.
Although Pressfield focuses his book on how creatives can overcome resistance, his words also apply to how resistance sabotages an effort like making new friends:
“Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That’s why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there’d be no Resistance.” Steven Pressfield, The War of Art
The key to overcoming resistance is action. Simple, sustainable, consistent action is the only pathway through resistance.
Consider trying this approach when you experience resistance in your journey to make new friends.
Pull out your calendar and look at the next 30 days. Decide on the number of social events you’re willing to make yourself attend in the next 30 days. It’s best to keep the number between two and five.
If you’re feeling really bold, pencil in at least one outing or social engagement per weekend for the next four weeks. If you’re not sure what to do, ask a trusted friend or family member for suggestions and let them in on your challenge. The moral support will help to keep you accountable, and they just may join you on one of your excursions.
As you pencil in events on your calendar, you’re giving yourself a strong message that you’re committed to taking action to overcome resistance.
This kind of exercise gets you out of thinking mode and into action mode. Action mode is where all kinds of good stuff happens. Reward yourself for completing your challenge if you follow through and go to all of the dates you put on the calendar!
6. Take a Social Media Break
Consider the benefits of taking a social media break while you’re on your friend making quest. You would:
· eliminate FOMO
· have more time to do in person socializing
· not get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you scroll through the “fab” lives of everyone else
If you absolutely can’t stay off of social media, try these tactics:
· set time limits for scrolling
· be willing to add to the conversation instead of only consuming others’ posts
· keep a realistic mindset that social media is usually a “best of” reel
· start thinking about how you can create your own “best of” reel from your scheduled events in step 5
Sometimes consuming social media can throw you back into the negative thought loops and add to your anxiety about being lonely. Your goal should be to generate positive feelings about the opportunities you have to make friends and limiting social media can help to foster those positive emotions.
Start small with a break one day a week and see how you feel. Notice if your mood improves. If it does, maybe increase your social media free days to several a week.
7. Organize Something
When my kids were starting elementary school, I quickly noticed how the school was in desperate need of volunteers.
One of the other moms used to say, “I got bamboozled,” when she was coerced into volunteering. All of the other moms could relate.
The silver lining was that many of us who continued to say “yes” when volunteers were needed secretly got bamboozled into making lots of new friends too.
Nothing creates a bond faster than being told to keep a room full of six year olds happy and safe at a classroom holiday party.
Volunteering or organizing a volunteer effort is a great way to make fast connections. Everywhere from your place of work to your neighborhood to your city has volunteer opportunities and efforts that need leaders and participants.
When you’re being of service, you don’t have time to worry about how good your social skills are; interactions happen naturally and there isn’t as much pressure to be interesting and likable. Being useful will lessen your anxiety while still providing the same result as other social engagements — more person-to-person face time with potential friends.
8. Be Patient and Optimistic
As a final step during your journey to more fulfilling friendships, remember the wise words of Walt Whitman,
“Happiness, not in another place but this place … not for another hour, but this hour.” — Walt Whitman
Even if you’re feeling lonely, it’s important to focus on doing things to boost your overall level of happiness instead of ruminating too much about what you’re lacking.
Do things that you find enjoyable; give yourself permission to be patient; and remember that things change continually and new opportunities to make meaningful connections will come your way.
Everyone goes through transitions and ups and downs, if you’re patient and optimistic with yourself, you’ll be more likely to move forward graciously and not stay stuck.
Conclusion
When you start checking off tasks on your new friend making agenda, think of how great it will feel to kick back and relax as you head into the weekend knowing that you have some tailor-made plans you can share with any nosy co-workers that just might happen to ask “So what are you doing this weekend?”.
As you fill your calendar with more social outings, your anxiety about missing out and ending up alone will be quelled, and you’ll be taking real and meaningful action toward a goal you want to achieve — finding like-minded people to share more fun with.
Plus, meaningful connections and better friendships mean better health, quality of life and an increase in happiness. Those benefits are worth stepping out of your comfort zone.
Your friend making skills aren’t gone, they just need a little coaxing. Start taking some of the above actions today, and you’ll be sharing more laughs, having more fun and enjoying new friends in no time.
